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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ben's LiveJournal:

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Friday, March 28th, 2008
5:41 pm
Various Degrees of burden
Too many sounds going through my head, and yet no way to let them out. The weather has been changing in various degrees. I bought a book last night and finished it this afternoon. Changing tides...God damn Hewie Lewis...What's there left to say when all you want to do is just let it out, let it go and let the healing begin? I've be coming to the point where I'm needing to face certain aspects about myself, my interaction, and my opinions on life, people, and justice. Life needs to be re-evaluated. Everything these days seems to be calculated and cold, I'm trying to move on and let go. Moving on is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. I heard that from a social acquaintance once before, hell I don't even know if he's that. Let's go with social icon.

I'm excited by the smiling and happy by the warmth, and shedding the layers of weight has made for a positive change.

Reason is unjust. Passion is fornicated. Believing is layered with denial and regret. I never knew what being scornful meant until I met you the other day. You looked lost and uncertain. You were calloused and unsympathizing. Warn, beaten and tattered. Your life and dreams were like a game of tether ball. Eventually one becomes out of reach and the other unbearably close.

Acceptance never came, and resentment was all that remained.

To a world and a person with nothing left but the above, I thank you for your time and hope to speak to you soon.

Current Mood: Spoken
Sunday, March 16th, 2008
10:07 pm
It's enough to make you cry.
Hmmmm, life is full of so many surprises. Like me posting for the first time in almost a year. I just remembered I had this thing, I wonder how my Beanie Babies feel about this post. Their full of little things that look like white shit pellets. I can't get enough of my new inspiration in life; Woggles, Bartholimeu, Syphlaous, and Grump-a-potomus. It's amazing how pandas can change your out look on this insanity that is known as "life?". How is the world? How is the other side? and how is the music stricking you these days? You never know who you can trust on these internet ramblings...Post post post. post post post. I love to hear myself talk. People think I'm so smart. It's like when you have a conversation with me, you're not even there, like your love means nothing, and you just don't matter. My penis is soooo huge. You wouldn't even recognize it, from space you'd think it's the great wall of China. sometimes it's hard to see past those borders, but with a little digging, the earth always shows it's true colours. Thanks for the gender-swaying ideals I was never open to. I'm glad I can be corrected on the state of human interaction, and human courage. If we could only impeach the current administration, and throw it away we would be better off. They hold us back and spread lies that even the supremeist courts will believe and adhere to. The government brings in a miltia of children to fight for their causes, but its only out of fear, it's hard to look at a child as an enemy combatent. Their (the government) secrets are being exposed and foiled. They will not hold onto their threats any longer. You can not fight love with hate, you cannot fight willingness with threats, you cannot fight the meak with religion, for they will always inhereit the earth. It's a mask, it's a lie, it's a blessing from above. haha charade you are.
Thursday, April 19th, 2007
10:44 pm
Pet my harvey johnson
well well well livejournal.com we meet again. last time i was but a learner now i am the master... I was told that i needed to come on this confounded thing again so here i am without agenda nor reason. Circumstance has brought me here to you people and here it will keep me untilthe end of my post. many different things have occured in my life since my last post, which i will not talk about to keep you all in suspence if that is what it truly is called. I have had a profound epiphony in the previous days and i have decided that living poorly is not something i am affraid of any longer, so their for I have decided to spend my money living lowly and traveling like royalty. I want to experience the world of life, not the economics of it. That is why Im going to LA to visit my friend next month. Then to six flags in early early june (not because i find it spiritual but because i love roller coasters). Then that next week travel to chicago to see the great Roger Waters. and then in september i am headed to scotland where I might just never come back to oklahoma, except to bring my dogs back home with me. so if you never hear from me again after this post, know this.

I have also lost just under 20 pounds in the last month by just changing my diet and walking at night. it is amazing. I want to get off about 10-15 more pounds and I feel i will be back to some sort of physical health. I also plan to travel south late in the year to visit a dear friend, that is, if she is still living down there or moving to new york, havent really discussed the details with her just yet but i figure it wont much matter. Anywho I'm out take it easy.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
4:29 pm
I went to the store and saw a man standing, he wasn't really interesting at first glance. He reminded me of...well, anyway I went up to him and said "tell me your name".
Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
3:17 pm
It's been a long time cuming...
Through dark and stormy nights; I feel that the best work is done.

Mystified by a longingness to no longer grasp the known world of the unknown, that work has been done. Further more, mornings are no more real the the invented concept of time. One could say "mornings" are a result of our need to have "time". To bring balance and control into a chaotic spinning mess called our galaxy and universe. Funny thing here...I think that the term and meaning of "universe" is just as fabricated and ignorant as time. It's really self centered and reminds me of when Science thought that everything revolved around our flat planet*. Science preaches nothing but uncertainty and probably drives a Volvo too (mind you, I have nothing against the Sweds).

I sit and watch the "minutes" and "days" go by wanting to stop the non-forgiving "motion" of life to take a breath, but when you simply clear your mind of the restrictions of this so called "ever forward moving time" you find that you are the one holding yourself back by allowing it to exsist. I declare war on time, but then I am left with a paradox: how can I declare war on something that doesn't exsist? How can I live in meaninglessness? I am judged by more than two hands in my day. I am judged by three. But time is nothing, and yet it's of the essance (did someone famous who died say that, look were his belief in time got him, remembered forever...) Maybe time was created so we would learn to never forget, well I never forgot, I never forget. But to envoke a sense of priviledge ,nae, right, I wonder what it is like to let go of it. To never have to stop. Continuely flowing without being judged by times ugliness. I'm not talking of death, and I'm not talking of fortitude, I'm simply talking of one humans right to stand up and say "..."

*It can be pointed out that the reason all that was going on was because of the holy roman churches influence on the way things were seen and believed, but that's just a cop out. The reason it was believed was because it's easier to have someone thinking for you, someone making the decisions that make up your life, someone who has all the answers. Well science, you don't, because you have left it up to humans to prove it for you, sounds like science is a firm believer in blind faith after all, doesn't it? Who's in the right now...bitch!?

(this is not a ploy to put religion over science or vice versa. my actaul opinion is science is the cancas in which God created his art and watched it grow and influence the world, much like music does for a generation, or art does for a movement, it is created, displayed and then observed while the creater sits back and says "i dont feel i have to explain my art to you."

Current Mood: exanimate
Friday, November 3rd, 2006
10:40 pm
fytp, fytp...

Current Mood: annoyed
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
3:02 pm
peace is as lost as hate is misguided.

PS
say that ten times fast

Current Mood: content
Friday, September 1st, 2006
10:38 pm
Now I see why people die in Norman.

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
12:32 am
hmmm...to all who read with their minds and not their eyes, hello. To everyone else, go away please.

I am neither judge nor jury but rather a god among insects.

Current Mood: quixotic
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
1:28 am
So July has come and almost gone, the b-day was just what I wanted (to be left the fuck alone) I went to Steak and Ale ate a bitchin steak, got some cash and bought a sweet 335 copy and it plays so nice. Bought some DVD's (good night and good luck, life aquatic, the whale and the squid, the terminal) and a new texas rangers baseball hat for the all the games I'm going to try to be going to. I have two jobs now and needless to say I like one way more than the other. As soon as I get full time I'm the fuck done with this two jobs thing. Anyway back to work I have to get up at 6:30 for the other job, then a whole day of sleep is ahead of me. YES.
Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
3:36 am
Once again, yes I'm awesome
Your results:
You are Superman
Superman
85%
Supergirl
80%
Wonder Woman
70%
Green Lantern
70%
Spider-Man
65%
Hulk
65%
Iron Man
60%
Robin
57%
The Flash
55%
Batman
35%
Catwoman
30%
You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.


Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz




damn right, take that bitches.

Current Mood: calm
Monday, June 26th, 2006
4:37 pm
Well, my birthday is in a couple of weeks and a lot of people keep asking me what I'm wanting to do. Frankly I take the approach my dad takes when it comes to birthdays, it's just another day. Everyone else around me makes big focking (yes I meant "focking") deal and gets all sore and hurt when people don't remember it. Or show up to a party or what have you. This is just stupid, people who celebrate their lives once a year really make me sad sometimes, I try to celebrate my life every day that I live, I don't need July 14th to come around every year and reflect on what I've done or even New Years for that matter, years and time are all man-made concepts so we can have some sort of fabricated control of how short life really is and so we can know what time the new Family Guy is on (has the new season started yet?). I usually go along with whatever people want to do for my birthday, and my past birthdays have been pretty cool. After I moved from the city I didn't really have birthday parties because no one would ever show up to begin with because I was the new kid in Norman and I was also the one who EVERYONE beat the shit out of on the playground, so my parents would take me on trips to Washington DC or Disney World, or Rangers baseball games. It wasn't until around 7th grade that I started to have birthday parties again, and they were always pretty cool. I really love to have shows on my birthday, but this year it doesn't seem like it's going to happen, all of my bands are on show hiadous (spell?) but I love those kind of shows because that way the only way people can interact with me is usually watching me play instead of me trying to get around to everyone. I felt really bad about not getting to sit around and talk with everyone at the wedding because everyone was so kind and loving and generous it just made me feel like I didn't give them the time they all deserved. That's why when I have birthday parties I feel like shit because I dont get enough one on one time with everyone. Anyway thats my birthday rant.

I saw Davey last night at the Deli and he's going to be giving me the flyers for all the shows that I played with The Gunship on. Which is really nice of him. I was at the Deli last night because Ryan and I met up for one last beer before he headed out to California. I was really sad to see him go, I hope he finds what he is looking for out there. I hope Lacie takes care of herself out there too. I've been very fond of her, she helped me through so much shit and offered sound advise, even if she never listened to it herself. I think that they will be back soon though. It's just hard to watch everything I knew as a teen just die. these last three years have been the hardest I've ever had. Some things carried on but most died, and somethings were created as is life I suppose.

I've started a myspace.com page. Even though I'm not a big fan of it I still like it, I mainly got it so I could keep in touch with Ryan and Lacie and post dirty pics of animals. So be looking for friend invites from me. Well that does it for me, take it easy.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
1:02 pm
it's been while since my last update. so i'm going to keep this paragraph kinda short and hit the high lights of everything. i got married which i think is pretty bad ass, it was a small short scottish (yes i wore a kilt, and yes it looked awesome) ceremony and we were surrounded by close friends and family. cathy looked stunning. we went to disney world for the honeymoon (that place rules), lazarus IV reunited to play the night before my wedding at andrews park we played almost 2 hours and it was something else, we had a very cool rehearsal dinner for the wedding in bricktown and went on a nifty boat ride, yee-haw! cathy graduated from rose state, i'm still a college drop out. syloken played a show with ghost of monkshood at the deli, and i thought we turned some heads (also i thought we were better that night, but only tell everyone).

ok now i'm caught up. as for everything else lately, just been going to work this week trying to get back into the swing of my usual schedule. i totally loved disney world and we plan on going back for christmas of 2007. i got another raise at work so i think cathy and i will do just fine. we get our own place on july 1st at hampton woods and we plan to hold a joint BBQ with brooke that night since we will be neighbors. i can tell i'm getting better at bass and guitar. over the last 7 months my musical growth has been off the chart. i find myself playing things i didn't know i was capable of. i just got done writing a song called "nicko's revenge". it about my sweet loving, chaotic terror dog. it starts out really pretty almost like a love ballad, because when you see nicko you think sweet little puppy, and then he goes crazy and runs in several circles for a long as time and just gets really hyper and then he calms down real quick and get s really mellow again, so the song follows that mood very closely. nothing much to really add to that to be honest just been playing and practicing a whole lot lately, i hope this project with brooke turns out cool i told her a possible name we could use for it and she seemed receptive to it, though i was a little drunk and rob was making jokes so there was a lot of positive vibes going on, anyway the name i suggested is storm in a tea cup, it has an unusually ring to it but that's the sound we are going for i think.

le zebre is going smoothly, ben and i worked with todd the other night and came up with some killer stuff he needs to be at all the writing sessions ben and i do. syloken just finished filming our music video and we have made some progress with the album, we have 8 songs worth of drum tracks down and we have a couple songs finished. i can't wait to start this experimental album of mine it seems to be coming together well in my head and what i have already put together, all the outlines have been writen so it's just a matter of recording them, since i'm going to use a drum machine for most of the tracks it won't be hard to get everything down. anyway, i'm done, take it easy

PS thanks to everyone who came to the wedding and for all the wonderful gifts and memories, it meant a lot that you came.

Current Mood: creative
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
12:48 pm
Today is the first day of Lazarus IV rehearsals since last year around this time. I can honestly say I'm the most nervous I've been in over 5 years about rehearsing with the band. I'm also very excited, four of us havent been in the same place together in over three years. And two days ago was the first time I spoke to Jared in over a year. Talk about the nerves getting fired up. One of my last memories I have of Jared and I being in the same room is when we were working out the parts for one of the songs I wrote and we got into a huge fight which resulted in nearly a fist fight. The band wrote one more song after that one, a riff that I brought in but Jared and I were not in the same room when it was put together. Wow. It's good to talk about these things, when I called him the other day though the conversation was short, positive and we both seemed a little nervous, not knowing what to say to the other. I hung out with Ryan all day Saturday and it was as if none of the shit between us ever happened. I'm starting to see that it wasn't him and it wasn't me, it was just all the build ups and all the crashing downs that happen in bands that drove us crazy. The industry, or rather the hopes of getting into the industry were what tore us apart. We could only blame each other on why we weren't able to make it and get signed. Jared put together some money and paid for more then 75% of the money to make a Best of Lazarus IV disc. He placed the order the other day and we should be getting them in on the 28th. I'm excited about that and anxious to see how it goes. We are going to be giving the CD's away at the show. I think the show is going to be excellent, we were always a very tight band and always put forth all the energy we ever had into all of our shows, which is why people loved and hated us. I hope a lot of people decide to come out to the event. It would be great to see all the old faces again. I wonder what songs we are going to play at the show, I think we agreed on a lot of material that would be worth playing one more time, atleast to us. Anyway, tell a lot of people about the show. It's on Thursday June 1st, Andrews Park. 8-10pm free show, as are all Andrews Park events. If you remember us and liked us come on out and tell a friend, and if you didnt like us tell an enemy, maybe they'll have better taste.
Saturday, May 20th, 2006
10:52 am
Lazarus rises like a phoenix from the ashes









June 1st Andrews Park 8pm-10pm
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
7:58 am
The last two days have found my watching my Highlander DVD's I have wrapped up season 4 and started on season 5 and I'm about to try and finish it today. I have made plans to start a band with Brooke and we are going to try and organize ideas for it. We want to be a Rock/Fusion/Space Grass band. We want to play whatever we feel like playing as long as it kicks ass. I'm thinking of bringing a bold idea into the meeting with Brooke and she might even go with it, who knows. I can finally stop buying CD's for awhile. I nearly went broke but I'm glad I got the music that I wanted. The new Twilight Singers album titled Powder Burn is a good album, it's not like their second album Blackberry Belle but it's good none the less. Though I didn't think I really liked their third album either when it came out but the more i listened to it the more I thought it was almost as good as the second. Not much else really going on to be honest, I've decided to put on my old game face though for the ghost show. My old game face however was nothing of peace and olive branches. When I was in Lazarus IV I played for blood, pure and simple. I didn't play shows to become elevated on some level of blissful open mindedness. I played to embarress the other bands and I think aside from playing with The Mimsies I did that to perfection. I've decided to declare war. It's not one of hate, but it's one of respect. I don't get my fire burning for bands that I want to waste my time on embarressing, I do it for bands who I think havent had a tough show to play up against in awhile. People in this scene under estimate me, unlike my old scene where I was something to fear. People would hate it when Lazarus would open shows (which we LOVED doing) because it set the bar and pace and no one could keep up. Thats what I want again, I want people to fear following me at a show because they know they don't have the chops to compare. Bands and bass players alike would come up to me after shows saying they had not seen a bass player of that style or talent in a long time. I still have the fire and I still have the drive, I have many friends in this scene and I have many bands that I love and respect but right now the only way i see it, is there can be only one.

Current Mood: determined
Monday, May 8th, 2006
5:33 am
So it's 5:30 in the am and I'm tired of being apart of the night time world. I've done this gig for almost 3 years and frankly it's getting old. I really want to work at the union or at the natural history museum as a security guard for what would make up in pay for my tips and I could ride my bike to work and not have to have abnormal hours so I can support myself and Cathy. I dont mind staying up until 2ish but this has just got to stop. It is truly taking a tole on me not only mentally now, but physically as well. So enough said about that. Which right now I'm typing up my references for the online app for the jobs I'm applying for. The pay is good at both jobs though I think I would be happier at the union even though it pays just a little less the the security job, though I mean how hard is it to sit and watch bones not be stolen for 8 hours? I have always liked getting paid for being lazy, just like I enjoyed getting paid for having a sleeping problem, until it started to make me a little crazier and a little more aggitated. So yeah as soon as I find a job to replace this one I'm leaving Pita land for a better more agreeable life. I really want to get my bikes fixed and I think if I can hold back on the CD budgest I give myself every two weeks then I can get both of them fixed so Cathy can use one as well to get to work in the fall.

Speaking of her, she graduated from Rose a couple days ago and the ceremony was pretty cool, I got a little misty eyed when they called her name and she got her degree, I was very proud of her because she busted her ass off and didnt give up. Shes going to take off school for a semester and save up some money to get her BA at OU in the spring, and I'm going to take the ACT until I get something over a 30 so I can get scholarships. I have the grades to transfer but frankyl free money sounds too nice of a deal to pass up. I bought the new Pearl Jam and Tool albums last week and I plan on buying the new Chili Peppers album this week and then the next week buying the new Twilight Singers album and that will be it for me for awhile. So two new CD's. Not too shabby. I really love the new Tool album and it was everything I wanted it to be and the artwork is simply amazing. Truly a treasure. Also I really dig the new Pearl Jam as well. It reminds me a little bit of Versus, but a lot more raw elements, not as groove oriented. The album is a nice pice of work and I highly suggest it to people who are interested in where the world is going and how no matter what, Pearl Jam will always be a testiment to heart and soul in rock.

So marriage is upon me coming closer and closer, and I'm not nervous about it. I hit me a few days ago how close it really was, but other then the actually event (like invitations, bachlor party, and getting up the next morning at 5:30am) I couldnt be any less stressed about it. Hopefully my family will behave themselves, the thing is is that my parents and aside from my grandfathers non-modern views are the only non crazy people in my family. It will be interesting to see how everyone interacts with one another. My grandfather is very proud of me and he is someone I respect dearly in my life regardless if we agree politically or not.

A note to my groomsmen who check their livejournal, we need to set a date for the bachlor party, or we can just not have it, either way I'm cool. My groomsmen consist of the following people Bryce, Ben, John, Jesse, and James. The ceremony starts at 4 but we have to be there at 2 on June 2nd. We do have the rehearsal dinner on may 30th which is a tuesday, so please have your schdules clear. If you don't want to be apart of it, no hard feelings but I do need to know ASAP. So far everyone I've talked to is still cool with doing the gig. There is some talks about the bachlor party being at Mr Bills, but it hasnt been settled just yet. Invitations are coming to those who I couldnt find, soon. My dumb ass lost some of them but they are turnign up quicker and quicker. Brig my deepest apologies on how long it has taken to get them to you but I assure you they will be getting to you soon. Who thought invatations would be such a bitch to get out. I will need your address again, yes I know I suck at this type organizing, I can plan a 13 hour concert without a hitch, but I cant seem to get a handle on these weddings, this is the last one I plan on having. They blow to orgianize.

In other news the Syloken video is going well, I'm enjoying the whole experience. It's been positive and has gone pretty smoothly, atleast by my standards. I have never done a video before so I don't know how smooth this one is actually going but it seems to me to be doing fine. I want to start laying down more and more stuff for the Syloken album before everyone leaves for their own extended amount of time. We have about 4 songs in the studio and I want to get another 6 before we all leave on various voyages. I think that since everyone will be going on their own way I can get vocals done on my album and then start the second one, which won't take long at all. It will consist of me playing around with drum loops and electronica samples and crazy guitar noises. I want to call it Oblaudio (translates to "strange sound") I was going to call it Oblong but my Dad said since it deals with sound instead of shapes (physically that is) I should do a play on words and he suggested that. He full of great ideas like that.

I have no idea whats been going on at the house lately since I've been house sitting for the past week and a half. I hope to be back Wednesday and get things moving from there. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, and I plan to accomplish them all. Mainly getting these damn invitations out to the people who have their names on them. Well that does it for me. I'm tired of this, take it easy.

Current Mood: blah
Friday, May 5th, 2006
6:56 am
Wow
I'm getting married in less then a month. It just kind of hit me.

Wow.

I also saw The Village last night, and what a crazy movie it was. I loved the twist. TOTALLY caught me off guard. I love still being able to be surprised.

and work sucks.

Current Mood: sleepy
Monday, May 1st, 2006
5:43 pm
Just for Shane
This is my top 5 metal bands list of all time. No particular order and I mustsay my views on metal always lean a little more on the thrash side of things, it was the first style of metal I was really introduced to outside of Sabbath.

Iron Maiden
Megadeth
Black Sabbath
Slayer
OHM

There it is done, now realize this changes for me almost weekly. So this is were it is now.

Current Mood: awake
Saturday, April 29th, 2006
6:38 pm
The CD's have been recovered! I can stop plotting the death of the possible suspects.

Current Mood: relieved
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